Abuse – S E V E N

I was raised in a Christian household and my mother was a firm believer of turning the other cheek. Yes, quite literally. As in “But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” (Matthew 5:39 ESV) Being bullied at school and having my mother advise me to not fight back and simply pray on it was no easy feat. Being bullied, at all, does something to a person. It changes them and not necessarily in a good way.

There was a time where parents would send their children to school completely at ease, believing in their safety. Lets say that instead of being in a safe haven, the child was being heavily bullied at school. This child became increasingly withdrawn and was continuously sporting a shiner. As the parents search high and low to find the best solution to protect their child in school; they are at ease when the child is home. After all, they are far away from said bully.

Well hypothetical situations like the one depicted here are a thing of the past. Not because bullying has ceased to exist but because the rise of technology has helped evolve the art of bullying. Bullying no longer stops at the playground or at the end of a school day. As defined by the government “Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place using electronic technology. Examples of cyberbullying include mean text messages or emails, rumors sent by email or posted on social networking sites, and embarrassing pictures, videos, websites, or fake profiles.” Technology has provided a whole new playground for bullies that offers an opportunity to harass with less accountability, more anonymity and its all from the comfort of home.

Although statistics state the the most common victims of cyberbullying are children from the ages of 9-14, the truth is no one is safe from it. Someone, who wishes to remain anonymous, and has experienced cyberbullying said, “Cyberbullying is a problem that is a lot bigger than anyone can imagine. I feel it’s necessary to take appropriate steps to combat this issue before it gets out of hand. My advice to anyone who is being harrassed or threatened by someone is to immediately report the incident to the proper authorities. Next, they should seek support from loved ones or attend counseling to help deal with the damaging side affects. There are a large array of resources and support groups available on the web for both adults and children. The most important step is to talk about it. No one should ever feel like they have to deal with this issue alone. “

Although I completely agree with Anonymous’ words, it is in this advice that we find our crux. Because not all states have laws against cyberbullying, it’s not always an easy issue to resolve. However, there are exceptions. If bullying ever reaches these following levels, they are considered criminal and should be reported to the authorities. Threats of violence, child pornography, sending sexually explicit messages or photos, Taking a photo or video of someone in a place where he or she would expect privacy and/or stalking and hate crimes. While most states do have legislation in place against bullying, not many include cyberbullying.

Although a study released at the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) National Conference and Exhibition in October 2012 shows that “cyberbullying is rarely the only reason teens commit suicide. Most suicide cases also involve real-world bullying as well as depression.” Yet, suicide is one of the leading cause of death for those, ages 10 to 24 and both traditional bullying and cyberbullying increase the possibility of suicide and suicide attempts.

While every state with the exception of Montana has some form of bullying law only 16 of those states include cyberbullying. If you are not in a state that includes cyberbully legislation what can you do? There are many websites that give very sound advice as to what can be done to help. Such as Safeclicks and stopbullying. However, I think we should take it a bit further. An anti-cyberbullying law was proposed to the federal government and is sitting in some dark secluded corner collecting dust because it has not been able to generate enough backing. H.R. 1966 (111th): Megan Meier Cyberbullying Prevention Act named after Megan Meier a girl who commit suicide because of cyberbullying.

We often think that we, as one person, can hardly do anything to make a change. Unlike the story of David and Goliath, I’m not asking you to cast any stones. Truth be told, that has already been done. Plenty of stones have been cast into the waters of this terrible form of harassment. However, we must continue the fight and pick up the torch. Linda T. Sanchez a Californian congresswoman has already set things in motion by submitting this proposal to congress, now, about the torch mentioned, you must do your part. Let us reach out to our senate, these people we voted into office and have a responsibility to us, their voters. Lets ask that they support this bill and see to it that the law is passed. We can all prevent the repetition of tragic cases like that of Megan Meier.

Are you on board and wondering what you can do to help? Well first, go to the government website and find your senators. Senators make themselves available to their constituents and have varying forms of communication available. And as easily as you can call and state your concerns, you can also copy and paste this message in the text of an email:

Dear Senator [Insert Last Name]:

As a constituent concerned about the lack of cyberbullying legislation on a federal level, I urge you to back the H.R. 1966 (111th): Megan Meier Cyberbullying Prevention Act presented to congress by California’s Linda Sanchez.

Cyberbullying is an epidemic that destroys lives and rarely sees punishment. Cyberbullying can be very damaging. With the nature of the Internet, once things are circulated they may never disappear. Cyberbullying can lead to anxiety, depression, and even suicide. It is an increasingly dangerous issue that needs to be addressed. With the federal government passing this bill, not only would this form of harassment become a taboo but it would also become punishable by law.

Many bullies don’t see what they do as cyberbullying and are likely to view it as a joke. However, ruining lives is never a laughing matter. I ask that you please help in protecting our community. In protecting our children, siblings, friends and neighbors.

You have the power to speak for me, for our community and to make a difference. I once again urge you to support H.R. 1966 (111th): Megan Meier Cyberbullying Prevention Act. It is of the upmost importance that our lives be protected by our government and ask that you represent my voice, that of your constituent, in the face of your peers.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]
[Your Address]
[City, State ZIP]

The campaign for change has to start somewhere. Genesis is our somewhere. Every month we will be making you aware of worthy causes and pointing you in the right direction to help make a difference.

On average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day.[1]

“Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors through the use of power and control tactics used by one person over another in an intimate relationship. Partners may be dating, married or not married; separated; heterosexual, gay, lesbian, living together or not living together. Such abusive behaviors can include pushing, shoving, slapping, throwing objects; choking, isolating you from your loved ones; being called names and threatening to hurt you. Domestic violence can happen to anyone, crossing all boundaries of culture, age, race, sex, education, and socioeconomic status. No one deserves to be abused, no matter what the circumstances.” [2]

I believe there are many common misconceptions about domestic abuse. The most popular are that people tend to think that only women are on the receiving end of abuse or that abuse is only a physical thing. Well neither of these ideas are correct. With this article I hope to educate, motivate and encourage people to make an effort to end domestic abuse.

Society, since the beginning of time, has always made men to be the dominants; the rulers of the universe. To this day they are even worth more than a woman (they make more in the workforce). Yet times have been changing in this past century and with the strives for equality and women empowerment many things have changed. This day in age, women and men are on the most even playing field ever. Women are out there along with men fighting wars, they are CEO’s and are even in their own right rulers of the universe. While some things seem to improve, it seems that some things just don’t change. Women are still constantly on the receiving end of abusive attacks but that’s not all times have changed, is it? Nowadays, men are also known to be victims of abuse.

When abuse is usually depicted on film and in literature they tend to tackle the most violent of abuses: physical and sexual abuse. Yes these tend to be the most violent ones that leave physical and psychological scars. However, all forms of abuse leave scars. They change you. So if you are not being raped, molested or beaten how do you know it is abuse? Is there any surefire way to know if you are in an abusive relationship?

1. If no doesn’t mean no. No matter who it is or what the situation may be- no

always

means NO.

2. Do you guys hit each other? If you do it playfully- stop. One day it’ll get out of hand and it’ll no longer be funny to you. And if it is already violent in any way then yes that is coined as domestic violence and is in term not a healthy relationship.

3. Verbal abuse and mental abuse can pretty much go hand in hand. They are pretty similar to physical abuse except that the abuser does not use their fists. Are you being screamed at? Belittled? Made to feel worthless? Losing sight of yourself? Is your self-confidence hanging in the balance or already a long forgotten memory? This form of abuse is the hardest to pinpoint because it is the one that only leaves emotional scars and no one will know unless you say something.

4. Is there a sense of extreme control in the relationship? What I mean by that is that either you or your partner always have a need to be in control and exert such control in nearly every aspect of your partners life. Where they go, who they go out with, who they talk to…?

“Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behaviors through the use of power and control tactics used by one person over another in an intimate relationship.”[3]

5. Does your partner try to keep you isolated from your family and friends? This is one that comes to be a pretty big deal and surefire way to know. For whatever the reason, if you want your friends and family around and your partner attempts to keep you apart no matter what the excuse- you should be worried. Isolation is a pretty big way to keep the abused from leaving. Afterall, who will you run to?

Everyone is entitled to a healthy relationship. Everyone deserves to be loved. But how much of yourself are you willing to throw away for “love”? Love is an emotion that is meant to give more than it takes. In a healthy relationship, when love takes, it’s only what you are willing to give. If you find yourself in a situation where this is not the case, your better off moving on. After all, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Cliché I know. But it’s true. The type of “love” you are being shown is no love at all. It is a leech. It will take from you til you think that you can’t give anymore. Then it will continue to take from you until there is nothing left to take.

These type of people are abusers and I like to put these abusers into two categories. There are those that see how great you are and are scared of you leaving so they abuse and brain wash you in the attempt of ensuring you stay. The other group has had life throw them enough curve balls and they don’t know how to deal with it and tend to lash out. The second doesn’t sound so bad right? It might make you a little more sympathetic to the abuser, but abuse is abuse no matter what the cause is. No matter how much you love them and hope that they will change, wishful thinking isn’t enough to turn the tables.

Nearly three out of four (74%) of Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence.[4]

Are you within that number? In knowing that someone you love is being abused what can you do to help? In truth, there isn’t much you can do. This person is in the relationship and it is their choice to put up with it. Nothing you do will make them leave. If you are too aggressive the abused will most likely push you away. Not that this is an official decree, but in my opinion, the best you can do is to offer them moral support. In the I-want-you-to-know-that-no-matter-what-you-can-count-on-me way. No matter what’s going on with your life or what decisions you make, I’ll always be here for you. Make sure you follow through with it. Be there for them. You need to become the epitome of love: Understanding, acceptance, caring, patient, honest and non judgemental. People in abusive relationships often believe that even with the abuse that what they have going on is love. I believe it helps that if in your own way you remind them of that what love really is (in a very platonic way of course). We all need support. Show them a way out. Give them that option.

You are being abused. Now what?

As judgmental as people may be, leaving isn’t necessarily the easiest or safest thing to do- without a plan. “Women who leave their abuser are at higher risk (75% greater risk) of being killed than those who stay.”[5] What does this mean for the abused? If you are in a physically abusive relationship, death is just a hit too hard in the next beating. There is always the risk of death. But that doesn’t make it ok and my advice will always be the same: get out. There are organizations all around the world that provide help to families being affected by domestic abuse. One website that provides the invaluable resource of listing such agencies all around the world is HotPeachPages. Seek help. Call a hotline. Even if it’s just to hear what they suggest. Lean on your friends and loved ones and don’t lose hope.

To find out more check out this links:
Domestic Violence 101
Safe Horizon

And if you are in a charitable mood or looking for a tax write off, donate money to these centers that help families affected by abuse get back on their feet:
Laurel House
Safe Horizon
Break The Cycle